The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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