Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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