i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
