I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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