her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
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I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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