genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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