I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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