I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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