So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
