Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
