Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
