everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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