I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
