hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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