I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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