Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
