This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
