So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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