You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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