does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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