I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
