Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
