Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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