i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
