Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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