am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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