Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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