I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
