Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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