i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
this is an emotional support booty call
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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