I'm so fucking centered right now
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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