I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
