just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
