I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
