So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
