My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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