Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
