I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
