I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
