you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
