I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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