I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We're too hungover to prance.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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