my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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