when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
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I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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