a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
