I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
