That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
