I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
