carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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