Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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