I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
