I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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