You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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