I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Say something about gay babies.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
