Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Holy sore nipples Batman
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