I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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