Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
