I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
