turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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